Global warming is the current hot topic. Speculation is rampant as to why it is happening. Emissions from factories and vehicles, use of nasty substances, hair spray, underarm deodorant, flatus, belching frat parties, rotting things pretending to be compost—are all blamed.
Hey guys, you are missing the boat! Do you realize that the Baby Boom generation has hit middle age? That 30% of the population has reached menopause! She, the cause of this phenomenon, is sitting next to you.
Hot flashes, my man. That is the definitive cause of the global meltdown. And it is not the first time this has happened.
Just think of the power of women. Which brings me to our next plan of attack: Power!
These power surges could be put to good use. This world has a power problem—we are running out of it. It could get to crisis proportions. However, here’s a solution. If all the women enduring menopausal hot flashes were to plug their fingers into electric sockets, we could power the world.
I don't know about you, but when my surges hit, the temperature for miles around soars. I work at a ski area and I assure you, this year’s meltdown isn’t a normal phenomena. The area surrounding my ticket booth is mud. The hills are gushing water.
What a wondrous new source of power! Why hasn’t it been tapped? We, the power broads, could sell our natural resource back to the people, via the power company. Heck, we could form our own company! We would be revered, rather than pitied. No more blackouts! HRT would be a thing of the past. The drug companies would be after us to recreate and continue menopause. To make it last longer. Not to alleviate it. They’ll die without us! Drug prices might get down to reasonable.
Tearing off our clothes and hastily reswaddling ourselves would produce results, productive results. None of this “Oh God, not again” approach to aging process. Bands of us could be used to alter weather patterns. If enough of us gather in one spot and concentrate our efforts, we could melt the Arctic ice caps, making exploration that much easier. Why bother with tons of glaciers and snow, when we could offer the easy way – melted down to mud and rubble. The mud could be hazardous, the rising waters could be hazardous, but we could leave that up to the guys to deal with. We can’t do everything for them.
Dunk one of us in a hot tub and there isn’t any need for electricity. We could be used in sweat rooms, steam rooms and baths, and saunas (with a dehumidifier). Hey, we’re easily purchased (right), just toss us some diamonds (like the entire DeBeers operation for starters) and we’ll just light up.
Las Vegas could be replanted anywhere with enough of us along for the ride. Offer us free lodging and food, and let us play. We’d provide the power, the heat, the light. In return, the Minnesota winters could be turned into Las Vegas desert!
Of course, the chaos theory of butterfly wings in one part of the world affecting another part of the world might be an issue here. Three hundred women racing for the exits could tilt the world. If we heat up the cold, La Niña has nothing on us. If a bunch of us sneeze together, we could launch the most horrendous hurricane on earth. Wars would be eliminated with sneezes. Tornadoes could be redirected and used to clean up after parades and huge parties by starting them where needed and then having them dump and die in a landfill.
Men can’t do that.
This could lead to rogue elements of women. But generally speaking, we do work together. That’s our nature. Which is why none of us has yet been elected President. (This could change...)
Of course, there might be some men who would like to take advantage of the situation (pimps come to mind). As the power rests with us, we have the upper hand. Just point and zap. That should do the trick.
This could change the way we raise our sons. Suddenly, daughters would be popular. The Chinese would want daughters! Heaven forbid. Need power? Plug her in! You may have to wait about 50 years, but hey. We’re worth it.
Perhaps that whole trick with Noah and the Ark was really a band of menopausal women run amok. It is possible. There wasn’t any HRT then. Perhaps a bunch got into an argument over who cooked the better loaf. It’s been known to happen. And if they could melt the world.... just think what we can do now... a mere nuclear meltdown seems a pitiful exercise by man in comparison.
The power would belong to the women of this world. The paradigm of power would shift–from male to female. Fancy that.
Ladies, let’s organize!
© 2000 Kitty Werner